All the light has gone out of my life.
It hurts to write this, and not just because of my aggressive carpal-tunnel syndrome. Duo was my greatest friend, and it’s been a hard week trying to let him go. He was my rock. My bro. My wingman, and with Goose gone, I’m the last one.
I knew Duo before he was famous. We started hanging out after my wife left me, and we owned the eighties. We’d fly south for the winter and spend the season in Hawaii fighting crime in neon outfits and cool action shots. The escapism helped me get over my marriage: he would tell me there were plenty of fish in the sea, and we caught many, sometimes two or three in one night.
His multilingualism was a big selling point to all the young chicks out there, and simply being in his area made someone the center of attention. We toured Latin America extensively before the United States made us hate that region instead, and in our time there we grew to be big players. We even had tea with Pablo Escobar, and let me say, it was really, really good tea.
Not many people know this about Duo, but before he became popular, he fronted a grunge band in the early nineties by the name of Birdana, and I was by his side, rocking the bass as hard as I possibly could. Of course, I didn’t know how to play, but when has that ever stopped bass players? We were somewhat popular in North Dakota until Duo converted to Scientology and dissolved the group.
We mostly lost touch in the new millennium, but I saw him every now and then before his untimely passing. One time in 2010, we did streak freezes and vandalized the Google Translate office. Another time, I ran into him at Super Bowl LII and we took dumps on Tom Brady’s car together. I will cherish these chaotic yet wonderful memories forever.
The circumstances of his accident shock and anger me. I’ll never forgive Nikola Tesla for this incident, nor will I forgive Elon Musk, who has surely never done something so awful before this infamous day.
Rather than completing your lessons, I call for a boycott of all Cybertrucks so Duo did not die in vain. Sure, the car is sleek, futuristic, and really easy to get owl blood off of, but these cars take lives, and I’m pretty sure none enjoyed them in the first place.
Duo, my friend, rest well. I will miss our friendship, our dinners, and our home invasions. I hope our time apart is brief, whether you rejoin me among the living, or I come visit you in Hell.
