Scientists have officially declared a new species has formed in Cape Coral High’s bathroom, dubbed “Biohazard BR-67”.
This new specimen was caused by the grotesque nature of Cape High’s bathroom stalls. The humid temperature and unexplained smell seemed to be perfect conditions for the species to grow and thrive.
At first, Cape High students started to notice strange and unidentifiable noises in the first floor bathrooms by the cafeteria. Administrator Kelley Hawk noted that, “The kids were talking about it all the time, classrooms near those bathrooms began experiencing disruptions from the noises.”
At first, staff didn’t take the students’ claims seriously, deeming it a possible student-led prank. As “fart spray” has become increasingly popular among the student population, the staff brushed off the complaints to student’s immature practical jokes.
Teacher Daniel Beckham explained, “Nobody knew whether to take them [the students] seriously or not since the idea seemed so absurd.”
However, as claims persisted, staff decided to give in and take a look. “The second I stepped into the bathroom I could hear the roars I had heard students describe for the past week. It shook me to my core,” explained Beckham.
The staff quickly realized this wasn’t something they could handle on their own, but was rather something much bigger. “We searched all day trying to find the source of these noises. When it started to get dark, we realized we needed to call in the pros,” said Hawk.
That weekend, February 21st, animal specialist Carol Weiser and Cape Coral plumber, Mason Cartright, came down to the school to investigate.
“As soon as I heard them, I could tell the noises were coming from the school’s pipe system,” explained Cartwright.
Despite locating where the noise was coming from, nobody could tell what creature could possibly be making the noise. Weiser noted, “I’ve studied hundreds of animal sounds extensively in my career, but nothing came even close to this.”
After a long day of unscrewing pipes, trying to find the creature, Cartwright found the culprit, a baseball-size green amorphous blob, hiding in the pipes. “The creature appears to have 4 large eyes and no other detectable features, and emitted a radioactive green color, like something you would see out of a film,” explained Weiser.
“It’s the strangest thing a new species would form in a school bathroom out of all places, typically those things should occur in nature. However, after inspecting the state of Cape High’s bathrooms, things started to add up,” said Cory Jenshin, Cape Coral building inspector.
Student at Cape High, Carly May knew this day would come.
“It wasn’t even surprising to me that a species formed in our bathroom. People don’t flush certain toilets for weeks, smear substances all over the walls, and never clean up their messes; the bathrooms are disgusting.”
People who attend Cape High believe that maybe this will ignite a change in the quality of the bathrooms. “If a new species forming in our bathrooms doesn’t tell the staff and kids alike to do better, nothing will,” expressed May.
